NO ^t.AYS exciianq£:d. 




i'5 Edition 

Tjf PL7\Y3 ^^ 



scenes in a Restaurant 



Price, 25 Cents 



M 




eiOpyRiGHT, fsea, by walter h. baker a. co. 




Class YSc-35 

Copyright 1^?.^ 

COPYRIGHT DEPOSITS 



Scenes in a Restaurant 



An Entertainment in One Act 



By 
JESSIE A. KELLEY 

Author of ''The Pedlers' Parade^' ''Squire 
Judkin's Apple Bee^'' "Miss Prim's 
Kindergarten^' "The Village Post- 
Office:;' "Our Church Fair," etc. • 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 

1909 



Scenes in a Restaurant 

CHARACTERS T& ^ ^ , < 

Mr. Jones, head waiter. , ^ ^ IN 

Jennie ) ., ' 

i^r \ waitresses. 

Mary ) 

Mr. Rice, a mean man. 

Mr. Foss, who has a plan. 

Mrs. Brett. 

Mrs. Dacey. 

Mrs. Slack, deafy middle-aged and stout. 

Miss Drew. 

Mr. Rich 

Mr. Jackson 

Reuben Grass, from the country 

Mandy Clover, his best girl. 

Mrs. Smiley, an indulgent mother. 

Maud, her daughter ; a spoiled child. 

Beggar. 

Mr. Delaney ) , 

TV, TT r drummers. 

Mr. Hazleton j 

Mr. Hall, a health crank. 

James, his servant. 

Mr. Monroe, a chronic kicker. 

Hiram Greenback, /rt';;/ way back. 

Mary Ann, his wife. 

Mr. Casey ) • 7 , /■ t 1 j 

Mr. Mahoney } right from Ireland. 



[■ actors. 




Copyright, 1909, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 
©OLD 1729f> ^ 



STAGE SETTING 

No curtain is necessary. Stage should be arranged to rep- 
resent restaurant with small tables, chairs and weighing ma- 
chine, and numerous signs, such as, " Coffee, such as mother 
used to make," " Shadow soup," "Try our faith sandwiches," 
"Don't forget to get weighed," "Tip the waiter," "Chicken 
served in the shell," etc., etc., should be hung on the walls. 
Orders should be .given at a slide, if one can be arranged ; if 
not, a door will answer. 



COSTUMES 



Mr. Jones should wear either a dress suit or a white linen 
coat ; Jennie and Mary, caps and aprons ; Mrs. Slack, bon- 
net and shawl rather out of style ; Mr. Rich and Mr. Jack- 
son, flashily dressed ; Rube, pants and coat, sleeves too short, 
flaring tie, very old-fashioned derby hat ; Mandy, cheap, 
showy dress and hat ; Hiram and wife, old-fashioned country 
dress; Hiram carries large carpetbag; Mrs. Smiley, very 
stylish ; Maud, elaborately dressed ; Mr. Delaney and Mr. 
Hazleton, in latest style ; Beggar, very ragged ; Casey and 
Mahoney, overalls and brogans. Others, ordinary costumes. 



NOTES 

Give jokes and stories slowly. Local jokes and conun- 
drums, which always take, may be readily added. A man or 
child might come in from the street to play or sing and pass 
around a hat for a collection. 

The cast of characters may be shortened if desired, as one 
person could take more than one part. 



Scenes in a Restaurant 



SCENE. — A restaurant, as described in note on page 3. 
(Jennie arid Mary discovered setting tables.^ 

Jennie. Say, Mary, have you noticed that dandy-looking 
feller that's been in here for dinner the last two days ? 

Mary. No, I don't take much notice of those young dudes. 
TheyVe too much stuck on themselves, and they're not half as 
flush with their tips as the old fogies are. The young sports 
expect you to wait on them by inches, and think if they just 
condescend to smile on you and call you " dear" that you're 
tickled to death to run your legs off for them. Give me the 
old covies every time. They don't get so many smiles, so they 
appreciate it when a good-looking waiter like me beams on 
them. Makes them think they're charming yet, and they go 
down into their pockets for a good-sized tip. 

Jen. ingoing to glass, fixing collar, belt and hair'). You 
may have your old men. None for me, thank you. Do you 
think my hair is becoming this way ? 

{Enter Mr. Jones.) 

Mr. Jones. Less primping and more work, girls. Hurry 
up and finish setting these tables. It's most time for the noon 
rush. {Walks very bow-legged to tables.) Here, you, Jennie, 
look at these sugar bowls. — All empty. Fill them up at once ; 
and you, Mary, attend to these salt and pepper dishes. ( Walks 
around room very bow-legged. Mary keeps just behind him 
imitating his walk, while Jen., slyly watching, is almost con- 
vulsed with laughter. Enter Mr. Rice.) Right this way, 
mister. You're just in time to avoid the rush. The early 
bird catches the worm, you know. 

Mr. Rice. I'm not looking for worms at present; had 
enough of those in the oatmeal I had for breakfast. 

Jones. Kindly step over to the scales, sir. 

Rice. The scales? What for? 



6 SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 

Jones. To be weighed, sir. We charge on the before and 
after plan here. Weigh you before and after eating, and 
charge according to the difference in weight. 

Rice. Huh, guess I'll fill up on something light. Wonder 
how feathers would do for a filler. 

(Jones writes weight in book, shows him to seat ; Jen. and 
Mary each try to get the other to wait on him.) 

Jen. {to Mary). You've got to take his order. He's not 
young and handsome enough for me. 

Mary. No, he's not old enough for me, and I know he's a 
mean old curmudgeon by the cut of his jibs. I'd Uke to fill 
him up on feathers. 

Jones. Jennie, take this gentleman's order at once. 

(Jen. makes tip face slyly, then very smilifigly goes to table, 
ha fids him bill of fare, stands behind him.) 

Rice {reading very slowly). Shadow soup, that ought not 
to weigh much, — bread — depends on whether it's the soggy 
kind or not — don't dare risk it — might weigh like lead — pie — 
pie — wonder if it would be safe to order that — roast beef — no- 
rice — that sounds light — oh, here you are — floating island. If 
a thing floats it must be light. Waiter, what is this shadow 
soup? 

Jen. It's soup, sir, that we hang a chicken in the sun and 
let its shadow fall in the pot. Very rich and nourishing, and 
very light weight, sir. (Winks at Mary.) 

Rice. I'll have a plate of that and some of the floating 
island. 

(Jen. gives order.) 
Jen. Faith soup and raft on waters. 
Enter Mr. Foss. 

Jones. Let me take your coat and hat, mister. Step right 
up here, sir. 

Mr. Foss. What's that for ? 

Jones. To know how to charge. You see we weigh you 
when you come in, again when you go out, find the difference 
and charge so much per pound. Fairest way in the world, sir. 

Foss. Great idea ! Best plan I ever heard of. Just as you 
say, the fairest way in the world. {Takes off gloves, puts in 



SCENES IN A RESTAURANT ' 7 

pocket, pulls out letter.') There, I've forgoLten lo mail that 
letter for my wife. Must run out and do it at once. Will bo 
back in a minute. Great idea ! Yes, sir, great idea ! 

\_Exit Foss. 

(Rice's order taken to him by Jen.) 

Rice. I think I'll have this soup weighed. 

Jen. We weigh jc// after you eat it. 

Rice. 1 want to know beforehand what my bills are, 

(Jen. takes soup to scales. Rice follows, examines scales 
critically.) 

Jen. Just half a pound, mister. 

Rice. It didn't go quite half a pound, about seven and 
fifteen-sixteenths ounces. How much would that cost ? 

Jen. Mr. Jones, what would seven and fifteen-sixteenths 
ounces of shadow soup before eating cost? {To Rice.) I'm 
not used to this way of reckoning, mister. 

Jones {coming to scales). Well, I don't know rightly 
whether shadow soup swells or shrinks in the eating. Dried 
apples swell. {Exatnines soup.) Macaroni in that soup. 
That swells, too. Guess we ought to call it nine ounces. 
That would be, let me see, three cents an ounce, nine times 
three is twenty-seven. Twenty-seven cents, sir. 

Rice. Dreadful high. Haven't you anything that wouldn't 
weigh so heavy ? 

Jones. Lightest thing there is, sir. 

Rice. I suppose I'll have to take it then. Now weigh the 
floating island. 

(Jen. brings floating island to scales.) 

Jen. Two pounds, sir. 

Rice. Two pounds ! What did you say you called it? 

Jen. Floating island. 

Rice, floating island. Dismal swamp would be more ap- 
propriate. Take it away. It would swamp my pocketbook 
if I ate it. I'll eat just shadow soup for dinner. They say you 
always ought to get up from the table feeling hungry. 

Jen. {aside). He's too mean to live. He wouldn't give 
any one a tip, but I'll have some fun with the old miser. 

(Rice goes back to table, eats sojip. Foss enters.) 
Foss. Now I'm all ready to be weighed. 



8 SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 

Jones. All right, sir. ( IVeighs ; looks Foss over, 7veighs 
again.') These scales must be wrong, sir. You don't look like 
a man that weighs two hundred and twenty pounds. 

Foss. My looks are deceiving. People always get fooled 
when they guess my weight. Those fellows who guess weights 
around at fairs get left when they strike me. I'm hungry and 
ready for a good, big dinner. (^Waiter sJioivs him to table ; 
Mary takes order. Foss to Mary.) I'll keep you busy for a 
while. I want about everything you've got on the books. 

Mary {aside'). Guess I've struck it rich this time. {Aloud.) 
Yes, sir ; will you begin with soup — tomato or chicken ? Tomato 
is lighter, sir. 

Foss. Oh, I don't care about the weight. I'm going to 
have what I want to eat, anyway. Bring me a plate of chicken 
soup first while I study the bill of fare. (Mary gives order. 
Foss takes sto?ie frotn pocket, holds it in hand, estimating 
weight.) Don't believe that soup can weigh more than that. 
I'll take that one and put it under the table. Soup in, stone 
out. (Mary brings soup. Foss reads bill of fare.) Bring 
me some lobster salad, baked halibut, creamed potatoes, hot 
rolls, coffee. That'll do for a starter. 

Mary. Yes, sir. {Aside.) Guess he must be a millionaire. 

{Gives order.) 

Jen. Wish I'd struck him. You'll get a good big tip there 
all right. 

Rice {to Jen.). I think you allowed a little too much for 
the swelling of that macaroni. I've been doing a little reckon- 
ing while I've been eating, and I think eight and twenty-five 
twenty-eighths ounces is all you ought to charge for. That 
would be twenty-five and three-fourths cents. Here's twenty- 
six cents. You may have the extra quarter cent for yourself, 
although I don't believe in tipping. It's a bad practice, a very 
bad practice. [Exit Rice. 

Jen. I thought I'd have some fun with him, but he took niy 
breath away. No need for me to work any more after such a 
tip as that. Guess I'll resign and buy an automobile. Quarter 
of a cent ! Where's the axe ? 

Enter Mrs. Brett and Mrs. Dacey. They get weighed. 

Mrs. Brett. Now, I am going to pay for the lunch. 
Mrs. Dacey. No, indeed, you are not, Mrs. Brett. It's 
my turn to pay. 



SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 9 

Mrs. B. I couldn't think of such a thing. You know I 
asked you to come with me. 

Jen. (^aside'). They might both pay if they're so anxious to. 
I could find a use for the extra chink. 

Mrs. B. What will you have, Mrs. Dacey ? 

Mrs. D. Oh, just a cup of tea and a sandwich. I'm a very 
small eater. 

Mrs. B. So am I. I'll have the same, two cups of tea and 
two sandwiches. 

Mrs. D. Can you tell me why a young lady and a door- 
knob and a sandwich are alike? 

Mrs. B. No, I can't say I do see any very striking resem- 
blance between a young lady, a door-knob, and a sandwich. 
You'll have to tell me. 

Mrs. D. a young lady is something to adore, a door-knob 
is something to a door. 

Mrs. B. But the sandwich ? 

Mrs. D. That's what you bite at. 

Jen. Anything more, ladies? 

Mrs. B. Nothing. 

Jen. Guess she doesn't intend to break the bank. Perhaps 
the poor woman's husband is one of the kind that asks her 
where that two cents is that he gave her week before last. 

(Jen. gives order. Foss's order arrives. Mary fakes it 
to him.') 

Mary. Pie or pudding, sir? 

Foss. Don't hurry me, don't hurry me. I'm not ready for 
that yet a while. I've only just begun. Bring me roast tur- 
key, roast beef, lamb, a sirloin steak, with potatoes, onions, 
squash, celery and cranberry sauce. 

Mary. Yes, sir. (Aside.) He's sure a multimillionaire. 
Guess I'll give him my sweetest smile. 

(Foss takes dish of lobster salad in one hand, stone out of 
pocket in other.) 

Foss. Guess those weigh about the same. Stone weighs 
fully as much. I'll put that one under the table. Stone out, 
salad in. (Takes Jip halibut.) Pretty heavy stuff. (Takes 
one stone out of pocket, balances in one hand.) Not quite heavy 
enough. (Takes out larger stotie.) Too heavy. (Takes out 
third.) Just about right. (Puts stone under table.) Stone 
out, halibut in. Even, so far, Great idea ! 



10 SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 

(Tries rest of food in same way, puititig stone under table 
for each, being careful not to let waiters see what he is 
doing. Orders brought to Mrs. B. and Mrs. D., who are 
busily talking.) 

Enter Mrs. Slack, with ear-trumpet. 

Jones. Step on the scales, madam, and get weighed. 

Mrs. Slack (^putting up trumpet). What say? 

Jones {^yelling in trumpet). Weigh ! Weigh ! I want to 
weigh you. 

Mrs. Slack. Look here, young man, can't you speak no 
louder than that? It's no more than the humming of a mos- 
quito. 

Jones {taking long breath). Want to weigh you. Weigh ! 

Mrs. Slack. No, I don't want no hay. I ain't a horse. 

Jones. I — want — you — to — step — on — these — scales — to — 
see — how — heavy — you — are. Weigh ! — Weigh ! 

Mrs. Slack. He seems bound I'll have some hay. I've 
heern tell as how they called shredded wheat biscuit baled hay 
sometimes. Perhaps that's what he means. No, I don't care 
for them. I'd jest as soon eat sawdust. 

Jones {taking her by arm, leads her to scales, goes through 
motions of weighing, yelling in trumpet). I want to weigh 
you. 

Mrs. Slack. Oh, dew tell. My darter told me to be sure 
to get weighed if I got a chance, but not to get on one of them 
ere slot machines, fer they lied wuss than men, and that's use- 
less. I've seen lots of men that would ruther lie than tell the 
truth any time. Be this a slot machine? 

Jones. No, madam. 

Mrs. Slack. Hey? 

Jones {yelling in trumpet). It is not. 

Mrs. Slack. A slot? Then I won't get on the pesky 
thing. 

Jones {in trumpet). It — is — not — a — slot — machine. 
{Aside.) Wish it was and I could put you in the slot. 

Mrs. Slack. Oh, well, I reckon I'll be weighed then. 
{Steps on very cautiously.) It won't break, will it? {Scales 
creak a little and Mrs. Slack wildly grasps Jones.) Oh, save 
me, save me ! 

Jones. You are perfectly safe. Please disengage me. One 
hundred and seventy-five pounds. 

Mrs. Slack. Don't mutter so. Can't you open your mouth 



SCENES IN A RESTAURANT II 

when you talk? You'd better practice saying " Peter Piper 
picked a peck of pickled peppers." What was it you said ? 

Jones. One hundred and seventy-five. 

Mrs. Slack. Yes, I think 1 shall survive, but it was a dread- 
ful shock, and I shall sue the company if it brings on my rheu- 
matiz ag'in. You haven't told me how much I weigh. Sally 
Ann will ask me fust thing. 

Jones. One — hundred — and — seventy-five — pounds. 
{Aside. ~) You old haddock. 

Mrs. Slack. Dew tell. I'm a-growin' stout I dew believe. 
Well, give me something to eat. I'm not a-goin' to starve my- 
self fer the sake of lookin' willery and wearin' sheath gowns. 
{Sits at table ; Jen. takes order.') I'll have corned beef, cab- 
bage, turnip, potatoes, two good big ones ; I think a sight of 
my potatoes ; a cup of coffee and a piece of mince pie. Per- 
haps that will keep me from feeling faint until I get home. 

{Settles herself comfortably. Unties bonnet. Mary brings 
roast turkey, etc., to Foss. He tries each article, dis- 
carding stone for each.) 

Foss. Great idea ! Weighed before and after. Best plan 
I ever heard of. Think it will be the cheapest dinner I ever 
ate if my plans work well. 

Enter Miss Drew; gets weighed ; Mary takes order. 

Miss Drew. I'd like an oyster stew. Very hot, please. 
Mary. Yes, ma'am. Anything more ? 
Miss D. Nothing more. 

(Mary gives Miss D.'s order. Jen. brings order to Mrs. 
Slack.) 

Mrs. Slack {to Jen.). You look as if a little corn beef 
and cabbage would do you good. Better set right down and 
have a little with me; 'twon't cost you nothin'. 

Jen. (/// a disdainful manner). I do not care for any. 

Mrs. Slack. Hey? (Jen. walks away in disgust.) 
She's kinder stuck up, I reckon. Looks as if she hadn't 
had a square meal fer some time though. Ruther put 
her money on her back than in her stomach, I cal'late. 
Takes all kinds to make a world though. I'm a-goin' to 
hev what I want to eat anyway if I can't dress in sich style. 
I've worn this bonnet nigh onto twenty year and there ain't a 



li SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 

hole in it yit. My old grandmother used to say we would all 
be rich if it wa'n't fer our backs and stomachs, and truer 
words were never spoke. 

(Mrs. B. a7id Mrs. D. go to scales.') 

Mrs. B. You get weighed first, Mrs. Dacey. 

Mrs. D. Oh, no, you first, Mrs. Brett. 

Jones. Hurry up, ladies. Time's valuable here. 

(Jones weighs them, consults book.) 

Mrs. D. Isn't this the cutest idea? 
Jones. Forty cents for both. 
Mrs. B. ) t. • ^ ^i,- .• 

Mrs. D. \ ^ ^°"^S '° P^y *^'^ ^^"^^■ 

(^Each waits for the other to pay.) 

Mrs. B. Well, if you insist you may pay your own. 

{Each pays Jones.) 

Mrs. D. {aside). She had no intention of paying for me. 
Mean old skinflint ! I've paid for her several times. Suppose 
she thought she could work it again by offering to pay both, 
but I'm on to her tricks. \_Exeiint Mrs. B. and Mrs. D. 

Jen. Need never expect a tip from a woman. 

(Mary brings order to Miss D. Miss D. takes up spoonful 
but drops it suddenly and falls back in chair. ) 

Mary. Are you ill, madam ? 

(Jen. and Jones both rush to her. Jones gets fan and 
fans vigorously. Miss D. sits tip.) 

Jones. Are you better now ? What was the trouble ? 

Miss D. Oh, such a shock ! 

Jones. Shock ! What shock ? 

Miss D. {holding up one small oyster). I — found — this — 
oyster — an — oyster — in — my — stew. 

Jones. Very sorry, madam ; we'll try not to let it happen 
again. Girls, be more careful in the future. 

Foss. Waiter, here, waiter, (Mary goes to him.) I'll 
have mince pie, plum pudding, cake, ice cream, crackers, 
cheese and coffee. 



SCENES IN A RESTAURANT I3 

Mary. Yes, sir. (Aside.') He's a billionaire at the very 
least. Won't he just tip those scales? Hope he'll tip me as 
well. 

(Mary gives order. Mr. Delaney and Mr. Hazleton 
enter. Jen. rushes up to them.') 

Jen. (/^ Mary). My kind. (Drummers get weighed.) 

Mr. Hazleton. New kind of an arrangement. 

Mr. Delaney. Yes, have to go easy. Live on faith. (7> 
Jen.) I'll have a faith roast-beef sandwich. 

Hazleton. What on earth is that ? 

Delaney. You know you have the bread but you have to 
turn on the faith when you want to find the beef. 

Hazleton. None for mine. Bring me a sirloin steak, 
Brussels sprouts and baked potatoes. 

Delaney. I'll have roast lamb. 

(Jen. gives order. Mary brings order to Foss.) 

Fobs (lifting pie and pudding). Whew, these weigh heavy. 
Hope my supply of rocks will hold out. 

(Tries each with stone as before.') 

Mary. Anything more, mister? 

Foss. I'll let you know after I finish this course. Don't 
trouble me now. 

Mary (aside). Isn't it funny how much larger some peo- 
ple are inside than they appear to be from the outside ? 

Mrs, Slack. Waiter, hi, there, waiter. (Jones goes to 
her.) I'm jest about roasted to death. Open that window or 
I'll suffocate. 

Miss D. Waiter, if that window is opened I shall freeze to 
death. 

(Jones looks from one to the other in bewilderment, finally 
goes over to drummers^ table.) 

Jones. Say, gentlemen, what would you do ? 

Hazleton. Do ? Why, man, that's dead easy. Open 
the window first and freeze one, then close it and suffocate the 
other. ( Waiter opens window a little.) 

Miss D. Some folks have no regard for other people's com- 
fort. I shall leave at once. (Starts to go out.) 



14 SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 

Jones. You'll have to get weighed and pay your bill before 
you leave. 

Miss D. You ought not to have a cent. I shall report you. 

(She gets weighed.') 

Jones. Fifty cents, please. 

Miss D. Here's your money but you'll hear from me. 
{Aside.) That's a counterfeit half dollar, so he needn't think 
he's got ahead of me. \_Exii Miss D. 

(Jen. brings order to drummers.) 

Delaney (to Jen.). I understand you have a new cook 
here. Is she a good one ? 

Jen. She says she's "had fourteen years' inexperience, and 
hain't pizoned nobody yet." Guess she's had the inexperience 
all right, wouldn't swear to the pizoning part. She's a 
spiritualist. 

Hazleton. a spiritualist? Then 1 suppose everything will 
be medium done. (Laughter.) 

Delanev. Where's that pretty red-headed girl that used to 
be here ? 

Jen. Oh, she got bounced. Customers said she was too 
slow filling orders. Took so long to get things that when they 
ordered veal it arrived full grown beef. 

Delaney (holding up piece of lamb). 

"The lambkin skipped about the fields, 

In light and careless glee. 
His conscience felt no twinge of blame, 

So innocent was he. 
But news of what they charge for meat 

Unto that lambkin came ; 
And then that stricken creature blushed 

And hung his head in shame." 

Hazleton. He had more conscience than the market men, 
hadn't he ? 

Jen. (to Hazleton). How did you find your steak, 
mister ? 

Hazleton. By perseverance. Perseverance conquers all. 
It was hiding under this Brussels sprout but I tracked him 
down and captured him. Here it is. (Holds up very small 
bit of meat.) Going, going, gone. (Swallows steak.) 



.SCENES IN A RESTAURANT I5 

Enter Mandy Clover a//^ Reuben Grass holding hands . 

Mandy. It looks kinder sorter nice in here. Let's eat 
here. See, it says {spelling out sigti) T-a-b-1-e-s tables r-e-s-e- 
r-v-e-d reserved f-o-r for 1-a-d-i-e-s ladies. 

Rube. Drat it all, Mandy, don't ye want me to set at the 
same table with ye ? 

Mandy. Perhaps that nice lookin' gentleman will let us set 
together if we ask him reel polite like. 

Rube {going up to Jones). Say, mister, couldn't me and 
my best gal set at the same table if we didn''- :Io no spoonin' ? 

Jones. I think I can arrange it for ^ou. Just walk this 
way first. 

(Jones walks very bow-legged toward scales. Rube looks 
at him in wonder. ) 

Rube. I swow, Mandy, I do hate to walk like that 'fore all 
these folks, but I'm bound to set with you, so here goes. 
{Follows Jones, walking very bow-legged. Other customers 
laugh heartily.^ Come on, Mandy. 

Jones. Step on here, please ; the lady first. 

Rube {grabbing Mandy). No, don't you do it, Mandy. 
It's one of them 'ere pesky blow-up things. Mandy, I'm 
afeered we've got into some hall of anarchy that I read about 
in that paper my uncle sent us from Bosting. 

Jones. It is perfectly harmless, just a weighing machine. 
Step on quickly, madam. 

(Mandy puts one foot on cautiously, takes it off quickly.^ 

Mandy. I'm afeered to. Rube. 

Jones. It is perfectly safe, madam. 

Rube. Go ahead, Mandy, you try it first, and '\\ it don't 
hurt you none I'll risk it. (Mandy, after several frightened 
attempts, steps on and is weighed.') I'm a sight heavier than 
she is. Do you s'pose the thing will break down when I step 
on it ? 

Jones. No danger of it. 

Rube. Mandy, here's my jack-knife. If I blow up in a 
thousand pieces I want you to hev that to remember me by. 

(Rube steps on very gingerly, stands on tip-toe, holding 
breath.) 



l6 SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 

Jones. All right. Now you may sit at the same table if 
you wish. (^Shows them to seats.) 

Rube. Wall, 'twas a trying ordeel, but 'twas wuih it. Give 
me your hand under the tablecloth and I can give it a squeeze 
when that chap is a-lookin' the other way. They don't git 
ahead of us if we do cum from the country, do they, Mandy ? 

Mary (Jo Mandy). Is any one waiting on you, miss ? 

Mandy. Wall, I ruther reckon there be. Rube Grass here 
has bin my steady for more'n two year, and you needn't be 
makin' sheep's eyes at him nuther, I've heerd how these 
city gals tried to make love to every handsome man they see. 
Don't you take no notice of her, Rube. 

Mary. What would you like to eat ? 

Rube. Somethin' cheap. We're not goin' to blow in all 
our money to-day 'cause there's a circus comin' to our town 
next month. Got to save some to buy peanuts. 

Mandy. Soup's cheap, ain't it ? 

Mary. Yes, it's light. We charge by weight here. You 
will be weighed again when you go out and charged for as 
much as you have increased in weight. 

Rube. Wall, I swow, if thet ain't the beatinest way, and I 
vum, I stood on tip-toe on that dratted thing and made myself 
jest as light as I could. I s'pose they'll push me down good 
and hard when I go out. 'Tain't fair. Wish I'd 'a' known it. 
Wall, Mandy, let's have something rich if it does cost a heap 
of money. We're in for it now. Bring us two plates of bean 
soup and two hunks of pie. 

(M-kvci gives order.) 

Jen. [to drummers). Won't you have some of the latest 
thing on your meat ? 

Hazleton. What's that? 

Jen. Horseless horse-radish. 

Hazleton. None for me. Got any Apollinaris ? 

Jen. (^hesitating). No — but we've got oatmeal and hominy. 

Hazleton. That won't fill the bill. I'd like some poached 
eggs, but I'm afraid of them. Heard the story, haven't you, 
of the careful traveler who ordered poached eggs at a hotel, 
thinking they were always safe? The waiter went into the 
kitchen to get them and the traveler heard the breaking of an 
egg, a second, a third, two more, and as the sound of break- 
ing eggs continued he began to wonder. Finally the waiter 



SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 1 7 

came back and said, "Say, mister, how would an omelet do 
instead ? ' ' 

Delaney. Suppose he decided he didn't feel very much 
like omelet that day. 

(Mary brings order to Rube and Mandy.) 

Rube. Now, jest duff in, Mandy, it looks lappin' good. 

Mandy. Thet blueberry pie looks nice, but I alius make 
mine with two crusts. 

Mary {waving ha?id over pie'). Shoo ! shoo ! That isn't 
blueberry, it's custard. 

Mandy. Sakes alive, if them ain't flies instead of blue- 
berries. 

Rube. Thicker'n they be to home, ain't they, Mandy ? 

(Rube and Mandy tip plates to get soup, eat pie i?i hands, 
cast loving glances at one another, etc.) 

Mrs. Slack (Jo Jones). I've hed a reel good, satisfyin' 
dinner, and I'd feel reel contented like if I didn't have to step 
on that 'ere contraption ag'in. Couldn't you cal'late how 
much that dinner oughter weigh ? 

Jones. It's against the rules. 

Mrs. Slack {angrily). Don't be a-callin' yer betters fools, 
young man. I ain't no fool if I did come from the country, 
and I won't take none of yer sass either. I could turn you 
right over my checkered apron. Done it many a time to my 
own boys, and they're bigger'n you be. 

Jones {screaming in trumpet). I say it's against the rules. 

Mrs. Slack. Hey? 

Jones {wiping face with handkerchief). It's against the 
rules, rules, rules. 

Mrs. Slack. Oh, dew tell. Why didn't ye say so at fust, 
'stead of callin' me a fool? {Gets on scales.) 

Jones. Seventy-five cents. 

Mrs. Slack. "She sells sea shells " is another good thing 
fer you to keep saying to learn ye to speak plain. How much 
did you say ? 

Jones. Seventy-five cents. 

Mrs. Slack [hutiting for pocket in petticoat, pulls out 
dilapidated pocketbook and at last finds a nickel). Here's 
your nickel and a penny fer yourself. P'r'aps you'd like a 
Stick of molasses candy. That dinner was cheap enough and 



1 8 SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 

reel good. Come down and see us some time at pig-killing 
time and I'll show you what a reel good meal of vittles is. 

Jones {casting despairing look around, taking long breath 
and yelling in trumpet^. I said seventy-five cents — seventy- 
five. 

Mrs. Slack. You don't mean to say you want seventy-five 
cents fer a biled dinner ? I jest call that downright robbery 
and I shan't pay, so there. Here's twenty-five cents and that's 
too much. 

Jones. You must pay the seventy-five cents. 

Mrs. Slack. Who says I must ? Do you think a little 
whippersnapper like you can make me pay it ? 

Jones. I'll call in the police. 

Mrs. Slack. Yes, you'd better make peace. Wall, I'll for- 
give you this time. Children do git obstreperous sometimes. 

Jones. I'll call the police and have you arrested. Mary, 
ring the bell for the police. 

Mrs. Slack. The perlice ! I don't want my picter in the 
rogues' gallery, so take yer old seventy-five cents, but I tell 
you right now, I'll never come to your old place ag'in and I 
expect to hear of you bein' behind prison bars very soon for 
defrauding innercent people from the country. 

[Goes out shaking fist and muttering.') 

Hazleton {to Jen.). Bring us apple pie and cheese. 

(Jen. gives order.) 

Delaney. Speaking of eggs makes me think of an egg ex- 
perience I had. I had a dreadful cold one time so I mixed up 
some quinine and molasses and rolled them into pills. I put 
them on the piazza, in the sun, to dry. When I went to get 
them I found my old pet hen just swallowing the last one. 

Hazleton. Perhaps she had a cold, too. 

Delaney. I expected her head would split open, but she 
just commenced cackling, and has laid two eggs a day ever 
since. And, say, do you know those eggs are the best cure for 
a cold that I ever tried. One of them will break up the worst 
cold ever known and they're dead sure for fever, ague and 
malaria. I keep that hen supplied with quinine, now I tell you. 

Hazleton. Belong to the Ananias club, do you ? 

Delaney. No, I don't. 

Hazleton. You'd better join. You're eligible for mem- 
bership and they'd soon want you for president. Can you tell 



SCENES m A RESTAURANT 1^ 

me what great poem an egg on a music stool would remind 
you of? 

Delaney. What great poem an egg on a music stool would 
remind you of? {Thinks.) No, can't tell. 

Hazleton. Lay of the Last Minstrel, of course. 

Delaney. Try your brain on this. When was fruit known 
to use bad language ? 

Hazleton. When was fruit known to use bad language ? 
That's easy. When the first apple cursed the first pear (pair). 

(Jen. brings pie and cheese.^ 

Delaney. I wish you didn't have such affectionate pies 
here, Jennie. 

Jen. Them ain't affectionate pies — that's apple, just what 
you ordered. 

Delaney. They're surely very affectionate. Why, the 
apples are so scarce that the crusts are dead stuck on each 
other. 

Hazleton. Say, girl, what's the matter with that cheese? 
It's walking off, 

(^Cheese should be fixed in some way so it can be moved 
around table.') 

Delaney. Well, if that doesn't beat the Dutch. Catch it 
before it leaves the room. 

Jen. Oh, that's nothing. It's only a little buggy. 

Hazleton (^piling dishes on top of cheese). There, now 
we've got you. Makes me think of an experience 1 had with 
the meanest hotel keeper I ever heard of. I stayed at his place 
all night, had supper there and the food was so bad I had 
nightmare all night and the bed was full of bugs. In the 
morning I told him about my nightmare and the bugs. When 
he handed me my bill he had added two dollars for a horse 
and buggy. " Where does the horse come in ? I haven't had 
any horse," I said. "Didn't you say you had a night-mare? " 
says he. 

Delaney. Pretty good. 

Hazleton. "Yes," I said, "but buggy; how do you ac- 
count for that? " " The bed," he calmly answered and I paid 
the bill. 

Foss (rising slowly, says to Mary). Think I shall have 
to finish next time. I seem to have lost my appetite since I 
came in here. Suppose next thing is to get weighed again. 



20 SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 

Mary {pery attentive). Yes, sir. Can I do anything for 
you, sir ? 

Foss. No, nothing more this time. 

Mary. Have you forgotten anything, sir? 

Foss {looking). No, here are my gloves, coat and hat. 

Mary {looking under dishes on table). Are you sure you 
haven't forgotten something? 

Foss. Not a thing. {Goes to scales.) 

Mary. He isn't going to give me a cent after all of that. 
I hope he'll have the colic. 

Jones. Right this way, mister. {Aside.) Fine big bill 
this will be. Worth a dozen ordinary customers. (Foss steps 
on scales ; Jones weighs, consults book, weighs again, consults 
book.) I don't understand. Didn't 1 say you weighed two 
hundred and twenty pounds when you came in ? 

Foss. Yes, those were the figures. 

Jones. But now you only weigh one hundred and sixty 
pounds. How do you account for that ? 

Foss. Don't know, but it's a poor rule that doesn't wojk 
both ways. If I gain in weight I pay you so much per pound 
for the gain so of course if I lose weight by eating your food 
you pay me so much a pound. I'll settle for five dollars. 

Jones. Pay you five dollars ? 

Foss. Yes ; what would you have charged if I had gained 
the sixty pounds ? 

Jones. About thirty dollars. 

Foss. Well, you see how cheap I am letting you off. 
Hurry up, I've got to catch my train. Qo'ti^.s gives him five 
dollars. Foss, aside.) Worked better than I thought. A 
bang-up dinner and five dollars in my inside pocket. Great 
idea ! Fairest way in the world. " [Exit Foss. 

(Jones goes over to drummers.) 

Jones. Did you ever hear of such a curious thing ? I can't 
understand it. 

Delaney. Look under his table and you will. 

(Jones goes to table, takes out stone after stone and piles in 
centre of stage.) 

Jones. Well, I don't wonder he weighed heavy when he 
came in and light when he went out. First time I ever had 
that trick played on me. 



SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 21 

Hazleton. Wasn't smart enough for him, were you ? 
Enter Mrs. Smiley and daughter. Mrs. S. gets weighed. 

Mrs. Smiley. Now, you get on, Maudie, dear. 

Maud {stamping foot). I won't. I don't want to. 

Mrs. S. Oh, yes, you get on like a nice little girl, and 
mamma will give you ten cents. 

Maud. I won't unless you give me twenty-five cents. 

Mrs. S. All right, darling, here it is. (Maud gets weighed ; 
both seated. Mrs. S., to Mary.) I would love to have some 
mushrooms, but I'm so afraid of getting toadstools. I wish I 
knew a way to tell the difference. 

Mary. I know a sure way, madam. 

Mrs. S. Do tell me. 

Mary. Eat them. If you live they're mushrooms, if you 
die they're toadstools. 

Mrs. S. Oh, thank you, I'm so glad to know that. 
Maudie, what do you want ? 

Maud. I want a tough sirloin steak and a jam tart. 

Mrs. S. Why do you want a tough sirloin steak ? 

Maud. 'Cause if it's tender you'll swipe it all. 

Mrs. S. Why, my little darhng ! {To Mary.) Bring a 
steak, a jam tart, some rolls, a cup of coffee and a glass of milk. 

(Mary gives order.') 

Hazleton. Heard about the order for dinner the foreman 
of the jury gave in that case last week ? 

Delaney. No ; that brain-storm case ? 

Hazleton. Yes, the jury had been out three days, and all 
but one agreed on the verdict. He wouldn't give in a mite. 
When the court officer came the third day to ask if he should 
order the twelve dinners as usual, the foreman replied, "No, 
make it eleven dinners and a bale of hay." 

Delaney. What was the hay for ? 

Hazleton. The mule, of course. 

Delaney. This was a pretty good dinner. Great dinner 
we had at the club the other night, wasn't it ? 

Hazleton. Fine ; that canvas back duck was great. 

Delaney. I didn't think it came up to the quail or wood- 
cock though. {To Jen.) What kind of a bird do you like 
best, Jennie? 

Jen. The American eagle served on a silver dollar suits me 
all right. 



11 SCENilS IN A feESTAURANt 

(^Laughter . ) 

Hazleton {giving her silver dollar'). All right, here you 
are. Suppose you get all sorts of tips ? 

Jen. Yes ; I got the queerest one the other day from an 
old man who has taken his meals here ever since I've been here. 
I had always waited on him, and the other day he said, "I 
am going to reward you for your faithful services." I thought 
I was going to get a tenner sure, but he went on : " Yes, Jen- 
nie, 1 am going to name the new bug I have recently discov- 
ered after you." 

Delaney. Great honor. You will soon be a famous 
woman. Ha, ha, the Jennie bug. Good-bye. 

{D rummers get weighed and pass out. Mary brings order 
to Mrs. S.) 

Mrs. S. What a beautiful color this coffee is ! (Tastes.) 
And such an elegant flavor. Of course it is pure. One feels 
so safe since the pure food laws have been passed. 

Mary {aside). I should smile. Mebbe the boss didn't 
have a time getting that "beautiful color." (^Imitates Mrs. 
S.'s tone.) Had to search every drug store in town. 

Enter otie-armed Beggar. 

Beggar (Jo Jones). If you please, sir, I've lost my arm. 

Jones. Well, I ain't got it. 

Beggar. Couldn't you give me a meal, sir? 

Jones. No; I'm on to you. You eat all you can get, then 
go out and tell folks the place is on the pig ; and it is ; it's on 
you, all right. 

Beggar. Gimme a job advertisin' yer place, won't yer? 

Jones. Great ad you'd be; a hungry, lean, lank creature 
like you. 

Beggar. That's jest the point. Get some cards printed for 
me to wear on my back, saying I don't dine at yer place. 

Mrs. S. Here, I'll give you a dime, not because I think 
you deserve it, but because it pleases me. 

Beggar. Couldn't yer make it a quarter, lady, and thor- 
oughly enjoy yourself? 

Jones, You get out of here, quick. 

(Kicks him out the door.) 
Rube. Well, I'm full as a tick. Let's be goin', Mandy. 



SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 23 

Mandy. - All right, Rube. (Picking fingers.^ I'm all 
through. I'd like to get the rule fer that custard pie. 

Rube. Be past milkin' time 'fore I get home, and all those 
hogs '11 be all-fired hungry. (They go to scales.^ Now, 
Mandy, step on that 'ere machine ez light as ye kin this time. 
This trip will cost me a powerful sight of money, anyway. 

(Mandy steps on very softly, stands on tiptoe.') 

Jones. Twenty cents for her. 

Rube. By gosh ! [Steps on scales in same way.') 

Jones. Same for you. Forty cents in all. 

Rube. Jerusalem crickets ! Forty cents fer a dinner for 
two. I've alius heerd tell thet a fool and his money soon 
parted, and by gummy, I believe it now. Come on, Mandy, 
I'll git you home 'fore I'm clean broke. Guess we'll have to 
do without the peanuts and pink lemonade at the circus after 
this blow-out. 

(Rube winks at Mary slyly.) 

Mandy. I saw you winkin' at that bold thing. {Takes 
him by ear.) You jest get out of here ez quick as you can 'fore 
she mercerizes you any more. \_Exeunt Rube awrt^ Mandy. 

Mrs. S. (to Mary). This milk is very poor. It's half 
water I should think. 

Mary. It's because the cows don't get enough grass feed 
this time of year. (Winks at Jen. and drimimers.) But the 
cows feel as sorry about it as we do, ma'am. I've actually seen 
those cows crying about it, lady. 

Mrs. S. Well, please ask them not to drop their tears into 
the milk-pail hereafter. 

Enter Mr. Rich and Mr. Jackson ; they are weighed and 
take seats. 

Mr. Rich (to Jen.). What kinds of breakfast food have 
you? 

Jen. Breakfast food? Oh, yes, we've got apple, squash, 
mince and custard. 

Rich. Whew, I forgot this is New England, the great pie 
belt of the nation. 

Mr. Jackson (aside to Rich). I'm going to puzzle her on 
the orders now. (Aloud.') Waiter, I'll have a door-step and a 
bag of mystery. 



24 SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 

Jen. How, sir? 

Jackson. A door-step and a bag of mystery. 

Jen. Oh, yes, sir ; you mean sausage and bread. 

Rich. Didn't work that time. I'll try. Waiter, bring me 
Adam and Eve on a raft and wreck them. 

Jen. Adam and Eve on a raft and wreck them. All right, 
sir ; meaning poached eggs on toast with the yolks broken. 
Anything else ? Would you like some eggs scrambled ? 

Jackson. No; I've no doubt they're quite old enough to 
scramble themselves. {Reads sign.) " Coffee such as mother 
used to make'." Is that so, waiter? 

Jen. That's what they say, sir. 

Jackson. Then I think I'll have a cup of tea instead, and 
say, I'd like a good steak if it isn't too high. 

Rich. Know why the farmers say beef is too high ? 

Jackson. No; on account of the price of grain? 

Rich. No; pastures all cut up into golf links. Critters 
can't get anything to eat. I'll have a chicken pie, waiter. 

(Jen. gives order. Maud drops fork.') 

Mrs. S. (to Mary). Waiter ! Waiter ! 

Mary. What is it, madam ? 

Mrs. S. Maudie has dropped her fork. Pick it up for her 
at once. 

Mary. Well, I vow, if she's too lazy to pick up her fork it 
can stay there. I won't touch it. {Aside.) Little imp ! I'm 
not going to wait on her. 

Enter Mr. Hall with servant carrying screen. 

Jones. Step on the scales, mister. 

Mr. Hall {turni?tg up coat collar). It's a dreadful draughty 
place here. James (to servant), fix that screen around me while 
I get weighed, or I shall have a chill. (James ^^t^j- screen on 
one side.) I feel a draught on this side now. (James rear- 
ranges screen.) I feel it right on my neck now. (James 
again changes screen.) My big toes are very cold now. Put 
on my overshoes, James. (James does so.) Hurry up and 
weigh me now before I get my death of cold. 

Jones. All right, sir. Take the table over in that warm 
corner, sir. 

(Hall sits at table. James arranges screen.) 



SCENES IN A RESTALfRANf 2^ 

Hall. That isn't right, you jackanapes. How many times 
must I tell you I can't stand any cold on my left side? (James 
readjusts screen.) Now, put my cap on ; I feel a draught on 
my head. (James takes skullcap frotn pocket and puts on 
Hall's head.) I think I'd better put on my mittens. My lit- 
tle finger has a chilly sensation. (James puts large woolen 
mittens on.) There's a draught right on the back of my neck. 
Did you bring my neck scarf ? 

James. Yes, sir ; here it is. 

( Winds long scarf around Hall's neck many times.) 

Hall. Perhaps I can stand it here for a few minutes. Now 
fix my patent medicine, James. (James takes large bottle from 
pocket and pours mixture into glass.') You didn't sterilize that 
glass, James. Pour that medicine out at once. Do you want 
to kill me with microbes ? Here, waiter (to Jones), bring some 
hot water, scalding hot. (Jones brings water.) Now, sterilize 
the glass thoroughly before you put in the medicine. (James 
fixes medicine ; Hall drinks.) That's the one for my liver. 
Now, fix the one for my heart. Qam^s, fixes ; Hall drinks.) 
Now, the one for my lungs. (James fixes ; Hall drinks.) 
Now, the tonic. (J awe.s fixes another glass of medicine. Hall 
to Mary.) You may bring me some bacon and eggs. 

(Mary gives order.) 

Mrs. S. (to Maud, who is crying loudly). No, dear, you 
mustn't do that. 

Rich. Madam, can I do anything to quiet your little girl? 

Mrs. S. Oh, thank you, yes, the darling little pet wants to 
throw her jam tart at you and I was afraid you wouldn't like 
it. Some folks make such a fuss over a little thing like that. 
Maudie, the gentleman will let you throw it at him. 

(Maud throws tart; Rich dodges.) 

Rich. Pm used to dodging eggs. 

Mrs. S. Now stop crying and finish your lunch. Sit still. 

Maud. I won't sit still. Pm a fidgetarian. 

Jackson. That's young America all right. (Jen. brings 
orders to Rich and Jackson. Jackson c7/ts beef.) Say, 
this beef is so tough I can't even cut the gravy. 

Rich (opening chicken pie, holds up long hen's feather). 
Say, waiter, what's this ? 



26 SCENfES IN A RESTAURANT 

Jen, Why, there's been such a fuss about pure food that 
the boss told the cook to put a feather in each chicken pie to 
prove it was the genuine article. 

{Laughter ; Mary brings bacon and eggs to Hall.) 

Etiter Mr. Monroe. 

Jones. Step on the scales, please. 

Mr. Monroe {stepping ori). Suppose you've got the scales 
fixed to cheat people. 

Jones. Just been inspected, sir. 

Monroe. Huh, inspected be hanged. {Goes to table; 
gives order to Jen.) Can you give me a plate of soup, right off 
quick ? 

Jen. Yes, sir. {Brings soup.) 

Monroe. What on earth do you call this stuff? 

Jen. It's been (bean) soup. 

Monroe. I don't care what it's been, I want to know what 
it is now. Take it away and bring me an oyster stew, and 1 
want it made right. I don't want the oysters and milk just 
mixed and heated. I want the milk very carefully scalded first, 
then add the oysters without the liquor. Put the liquor in last 
thing after the butter and seasoning have been added. I 
should prefer to have you use all cream and the choicest butter. 
As for the oysters, have them fresh opened, the finest Cape 
Cod ones. Don't use any that have been opened before. Do 
you fully understand ? 

Mary. Yes, sir, but do you want the oysters with or with- 
out ? 

Monroe. With or without what ? 

Mary. Pearls, sir. 

Monroe. None of your impudence. 

(Mary gives order. Mrs. S. gets weighed.') 

Mrs. S. Now, Maudie, get weighed and we'll go home. 

Maud. I won't unless you give me another quarter. 

Mrs. S. All right, dearie. {Gives quarter.) 

Maud {to Jones). Isn't she an easy mark? 

Hall. James, I feel a draught. Put my ulster on quickly. 
(James gets overcoat and puts on Hall. Hall calls Mary.) 
Hi, waiter, this way. ( Mary goes to him.) This stuff you have 
brought me is not edible. Edible means that which may be 
eaten. This bacon, in the first place, is cut about two inches 



SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 



27 



thick instead of a sixteenth of an inch. It is not cooked, sec- 
ondly. You have simply given it a Turkish bath and opened 
its pores and it is swimming in grease. Therefore it is in- 
edible, it may not be giv'en. Not all the appetite tonics in the 
world could create an appetite for it. I am not disappointed. 
1 have been here before. The doctor says I must not eat. I 
was tempted to, so I came in here to have my appetite re- 
moved. One glance at what you have brought me has done 
the work. Here is a quarter for you. James, take off n)y cap, 
fold up my screen and let us go. Perhaps you'd better put my 
shawl around me. {To Mary.) I shall not want to think of 
food again for a week. Perhaps then I'll make you another 
call. Pull my cap down over my ears, James. 

\_Exeunt Hall and James. 

Rich. Don't you think this talk of egging actors is all 
nonsense ? 

Jackson. No, I think it is eggsactly correct. 

Rich. That so ? What makes you think so ? 

Jackson. When I started on the stage I was filled with 
eggspectancy but I soon found I could only earn a bare eggs- 
istence, the eggscitement was eggsasperating, the country 
hotels served eggs, eggs, eggs and everything else was eggstra. 
The plays and theatres were full of eggsits. My rivals would 
egg me on to do my worst and then the audience would Qgg 
me off. To cap the climax the critics say that good actors are 
eggstinct. Yes, I believe in eggs. 

Mary {to Monroe). Here's your stew, sir. 

Monroe. Have you any fresh eggs ? 

Mary. Yes, sir, laid this morning ; heard the hen cackle 
myself. 

Monroe. Huh ! Was the hen under oath when she 
cackled ? Bring me a piece of roast beef and some chicken. 

(Mary gives order. Rich and Jackson get weighed and 
go out.) 

Enter Hiram Greenback and wife Mary Ann. Hiram 
carries large carpetbag. 

Hiram Greenback {to Jones). Be this the Waldorf- 
Astoria ? 

Jones {winking to others'). Certainly, sir. 
Hiram. Not much of a crowd to-day. 



28 SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 

Jones. No, the swells have left town on account of the 
cold weather. 

Hiram (aside, to wife). Look your pootiest, Mary Ann. 
He says as how it is the Waldorf-Astoria, but the swells are out 
of town 'count of the weather. 

Jones. Step up here, please. 

Hiram. Whut fur ? 

Jones. I want to weigh you. We weigh before and after 
eating and charge for the gain in weight. 

Hiram. Well, I'll be dratted. All right; if that's the way 
the swells do, guess we can stan' it fer once, Mary Ann. Get 
on here, old woman. (Mary Ann gets weighed, then Hiram 
steps on with carpetbag. Starts to go to table.) Hi, there, 
waiter. I weighed too much. Weigh me ag'in without this 
'ere bag. Mary Ann, you hold it tight while I git weighed. I 
don't want none of them bunco fellers to put any of their gold 
bricks in it. (Jones weighs him again. They sit at table. 
Hiram puts carpetbag in chair. Reads signs around room.^ 
Pork and beans. We kin hev plenty of them to hum, Mary 
Ann. Green corn, by gosh, in the winter. I'm a-goin' to hev 
some of that. Bring me six ears of corn. What be you 
a-goin' to hev, Mary Ann ? 

Mary Ann. I'll hev a biled egg and [showing bill of fare 
to Jen.) what do you call that ? 

Jen. Charlotte Russe. 

Mary Ann. I thought a ruche was something you wore 
round yer neck. Guess I'll see what it looks like so I kin tell 
Samanthy Seabury when I git home. 

Jen. How would you like your egg cooked ? 

Mary Ann. Oh, biled hard in the shell. I'm a hard shell 
Baptist. 

(Mary brings beef and chicken to Monroe.) 
Enter Mr. Casey and Mr. Mahoney. 

Jones. Right this way to get weighed. 

Mr. Casey. Oi didn't cum in here to be weighed. 01 
cum in here to ate. 

Jones. You have to be weighed first. 

Casey. Begorra, phwat for? 

Jones. We weigh you before you eat and after and charge 
so much a pound for the difference. 

Casey. Begorra, it's a quare counthry, Phwat would they 



SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 2() 

be aftgr thinking of that in ould Oireland ? Stip up, Mahoney, 
like a little man, 

(Mahonev and Casey gef weighed, go to table ; Jen. takes 
order. They study bill of fare spelling out words. ^ 

Monroe {to Mary). This beef is fierce. It isn't fit for a 
dog to eat. 

Mary (aside'). Better not eat it then. 

Monroe. And this chicken is tough as a paving stone. 

Mary. Perhaps it's a Plymouth Rock, sir. 

Monroe. Think you're smart, don't you ? Bring me a 
cup of tea. 

(Mary gives order. Jen. brings order to Hiram and 
Mary Ann.) 

Mahoney (/<? Jen.). Have yez any whale ? 

Jen, No, we haven't. 

Mahoney. Have yez any shark ? 

Jen, No, we don't keep it, 

Mahoney. Have yez any star-fish ? 

Jen. No, sir. 

Mahoney. Have yez any jelly-fish ? 

Jen. Not any. 

Mahoney. Then bring me a good pace of corruned bafe 
if it is Friday. The Lord knows I asked for fish. 

Jen. Yes, sir. (.7<? Casey.) What will you have ? 

Casey. Shure I can't rade this little card at all. Jist bring 
me the best stuff you're after having in the place. The bist is 
none too good for me. 

(Jen. gives order. Mary brings order to Monroe.) 

Monroe {to Mary). This tea is too weak. It's regular 
slop. Take it back and bring me a cup of strong tea — tea, not 
slop. 

Mary {making up face behind back). Yes, sir. (Mary 
gives Monroe the same cup of tea.) Hope that will suit you 
better. 

Monroe. That looks much better. You needn't ever try 
to work poor stuff off on me. I know what's right when I see 
it. Now I'll have a plate of fly-specks. 

Mary. A plate of what? 

Monroe. I said a plate of fly-specks. Are you deaf? 



30 SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 

(Mary goes to Jones. Jones comes over to Monroe's t^le.) 

Jones. What was it you aslCed for? The waiter did not 
understand your order. 

Monroe. I said I wanted a plate of fly-specks. 

Jones {frigidly). We don't serve them, 

Monroe. Then why don't you take them off your bill 
of fare ? 

Hiram (Jo Jen.). Bring me a dozen more ears of corn. 
It's mighty good. I alius wuz powerful fond of green corn. 
Don't tiiink anythin' of eatin' twenty-five ears at a settin'. 

Mary Ann (holding up chicken). There's a chicken in 
this egg. 

Jen. All right, madam, I'll get you a knife and fork. 

Mary Ann. I s'pose this is one of their new-fangled ways 
of serving chicken. 

(Jen. gives order for corn, brings knife and fork, also brings 
Mahoney's order and a whole lobster, a glass of water, 
a bunch of celery and some cheese for Casey. Casey 
smells celery, sips water, holds up lobster and examines 
critically. Mahoney takes large spoonful of horse- 
radish xvhich brings tears to his eyes.) 

Casey. Phwat be ye chrying for, Mahoney ? 

Mahoney (who 7vants Casey to get fooled). I'm cryin' 
for my poor old mother that's dead way over in Oireland. 
Try some of this, Casey. (Takes out spoonful and puts in 
Casey's mouth. Casey screams, jumps and dances wildly.) 
Phwat be ye crying for, Casey ? 

Casey. Because you didn't die at the same time your poor 
old mother did. 

Hiram (to Jen.). Bring me a dozen more ears of that ere 
corn, gal. Shan't get any more till next August and it tastes 
powerful good. 

Jen. Wouldn't it be cheaper for you to take your dinner at 
a livery stable, mister ? 

Hiram. Ha, ha, don't know but what it would. 

Casey. Shure, here's a thing that always bes afther 
puzzling me. 

Mahoney. Phwat is it, man ? 

Casey. Is turtle soup fish when it's made out of veal, I 
dunno. (Holding up cheese in one hand and holding nose 



SCENES IN A kESTAURANf ^1 

with the other, says to Jen.) Phwat do you be afther calling 
this ? 

Jen. That is Limburger, a Dutch cheese. 

Casev. Holy smoke ! Shure, I understand now what 
Barney O'Flynn meant when he said the Dutch were strong 
in their likes and dislikes. 

Jen. (to Casey). Don't you like your dinner, mister? 

Casey. I dhrank the wather, I smilt of the bookay but 
(holding up the lobster) I couldn't go this bug. 

Mahoney. It's a quare lookin' baste, begorra. It's toime 
we were afiher getting out of here, Casey. 

Casey. Oi'm through, but I had such a narrow escape on 
the strate this morning that shure I dunno as I'm afther daring 
to go out. 

Mahoney. What happened to you, Casey? 

Casey. Begorra, I met a man on the strate and foirst thing 
I knew he stuck a ravolver in me face and ses he, " Yer 
money or yer life." "Take me loife," ses Oi, "I'm afther 
saving me money fer me ould age." 

Jones. Get weighed, gentlemen. 

Casey. Shure, a dhrink of water and a smell of a bookay 
ain't worth weighing. 

(^Casey and Mahoney are weighed and go out. A large 
bug is lei down in front of Mary Ann's/^^^^.) 

Mary Ann {screaming, Jumps up). Land sakes alive ! Did 
you ever see sich a bug in all your born days ? 

Hiram (Jo Mary). Be that the kind of bugs you raise in 
this 'ere town ? 

Mary. That's only a harmless" little cockroach. Lots of 
them around here bigger'n that. 

Hiram. Wall, if ye call that one little I reckon we'd better 
be movin' 'fore you bring on some of the big ones. All ready, 
old lady? 

Mary Ann. Yes, jest as soon ez I get this souvenir — if that's 
what you call it — into my pocket. Samanthy got one of them 
that year she went to town. She put it on her best black 
haircloth rocker in her parlor and it makes a reel putty tidy. 

{Begins to put in pocket.) 

Mary. Madam, that is not to be taken away. It belongs 
to the place. 



31 SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 

Mary Ann. Ben't they to give away ? 

Mary. No, madam. 

Mary Ann. Then whut did you bring it to me for ? I 
can't eat it. 

Mary. It's a napkin to wipe your fingers on. 

Mary Ann. More new-fangled idees. Let's git home ez 
quick ez we kin, Hiram. 

(Hiram and Mary Ann get weighed.') 

Jones {to Hiram). Your dinner will cost you three dollars. 

Mary Ann. Hiram Greenback! 

Hiram. Keep calm, Mary Ann. I'll live on taters and 
mush for a while when I get home to make up fer it. 

Jones. Fifty cents for your wife and we shall have to 
charge you extra since your carpetbag occupied a chair. 
Seventy- five cents for that. 

Hiram. Wall, I vum, if that ain't the beatinest yet. All 
right, old carpetbag. I've paid fer your lunch and you shall 
have it. ( Goes to different tables, piles food into carpetbag, 
both rnsh out.) 'I'a-ta — young man. 

Jen. Rush all over and I only got one. tip. A dollar. 

Mary. I only got one little quarter. 

Jones. I'm five dollars out all on account of rocks. I call 
it rocky. 



CURTAIN 



NOV 18 



LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 




